El Chi

el Chi

Born in 1726 in the East End of London, el Chi's father was a pick-pocket and back-street abortionist, whilst his mother was a blacksmith. He learned all three venerable professions from his parents and applied his own inquisitive spark to invent the world's first, last and only coal-powered abortion machine, dubbed the "Ravelling Coat-Hanger".

As business boomed success went to el Chi's head and he used his ill-gotten gains to buy seven hundred servants to help him bathe, half of Staffordshire and to bribe the king to grant him a knighthood, for services to birth control. However success also brought paranoia and he became increasingly afraid of death. As he approached the ripe old age of 19, just six weeks before marrying the winner of the very first Miss World competition (at this time the Miss World pageant had only two competitors: Miss England and Miss Monaco) the grim spectre of death loomed (the average life-expectancy of the time being no higher than 11) and el Chi, desperate to beat Death, froze himself in the ice caves of his Staffordshire estate.

250 years later el Chi was unfrozen, but into a grim world where opium was illegal, visiting prostitutes was frowned upon and, worst of all, abortions were not only legal and safe, but free on the NHS. He was ruined. Undeterred, he flitted from job-to-job before making back his fortune in the halcyon era of the dot-com millionaires.

He currently resides in Walton-on-the Nase, spending most of his time organising cock fights in old people's homes and fashioning hammocks from the skin of dead beggars.

To date, he is the only man to have masturbated at each of the seven wonders of the world.